My Internet Crush

Image by Mali from Pixabay

I would have given up learning long time ago if it were not for him, who has about 200 videos posted online. I only learn it for 20 minutes a day, but often 20 minutes are too long and too boring for me. As you know, Thai is not a very big language, not as big as English or Spanish, and Thai videos fall into the two extreme categories–they are either too basic or too advanced. There are almost nothing in between.

And after watching his videos for a while, I start to feel that I have a bit of crush on him. It is a little embarrassing to admit, but writing is, in my opinion, about tackling on the issues that are not completely comfortable to one’s psyche. Anyway he is a devout Buddhist–although he is not really a monk, he can very well be a monk one day. Many of his Thai lessons are about Buddhist rituals, ceremonies, and merits etc. After watching various videos for a while, I eventually give up on other videos and concentrate on watching him. And he is a very happy person indeed and he really enjoys his life, but of course he is a very private person. He would never reveal any of his private information in his lessons. I guess he is middle aged and happily married. His fellow teachers are all younger than him and they would often vent their frustration about love, money, job etc. in their presentations, but he is more matured and more content.

Since I have been interested in narcissism and victims of narcissistic upbringing, I have quickly self diagnosed my recent limerence. By the way, limerance means the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person. As a victim of my two very narcissistic parents, I had several crushes (or limerance) on my teachers during my school days. One was my middle school math teacher. He was very handsome and I was his favorite student. I was not really interested in math, but middle school math was easy for me and his attention suited my vanity.

My second crush was on my high school teacher who taught us literature. He didn’t really like me as a person or as a student. My writing style was too real and too plain for him, who enjoys more flamboyant styles. However his lectures were wonderful. He was very emotional when he recited ancient poems, and he could connect his own life experiences with certain passages of his favorite books. I knew he was out of my league. I came from the southern border of the Mongolian Steppe, a rural backwater, while he was one of the best teachers in a very big city. By the way, back home in those days, some high school teachers were local “celebrities”, who would publish books or study materials, who would teach in night schools or weekend training centers to make extra money, who would be invited to give guest lectures in other cities, who would go on TV to give talks or act as judges for competitions. Anyway, he was one of such “celebrities” while I was an awkward country bumpkin without the city sophistication.

Now as an amateur “expert” on narcissism, I know my own penchant for limerence, which has to be managed and controlled. A little bit of obsession is fine but too much obsession can be very unhealthy. Limerence is not a real emotional connection, although it can bring certain amount of excitement.

5 thoughts on “My Internet Crush

  1. It’s so sweet and brave of you to share this, Haoyan. I once had the biggest crush on a singer (part of a sufi rock group from Pakistan). He had a great voice and was very cute. Just thought he was so perfect. Haha. It’s nice to feel a bit giddy inside and imagine the possibilities…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s