I Wish I Didn’t Say That (Continued)

Image by Andreas Hoja from Pixabay

This is the 2nd half of the story. The 1st half is here. Basically in the 1st half, I talked about my conversation with my friend L, in which I said something negative about C’s son, who couldn’t even get into Rutgers University. Then I realized, after our conversation, that L had tried to get into a Rutgers graduate program about ten years prior but couldn’t get in due to her lack of pre-required courses. “I wished I didn’t say what I said.” I said to myself. It was likely that L was hurt by my words. And I ended up leaving her several social media messages to apologize.

I was such a negative person. It has been a wonder I have any friends left at all. How much do they have to tolerate my negative verbal attack? I really didn’t have the intention of hurting my friend, but I have the habit of being non-positive and doubtful. I have to say if I am another person, I would hate to make friends with myself, or persons like me. I have spent years trying to kick the habits that my parents’ narcissism imposed on me, but from time to time, I can still see myself falling back to those bad habits, often without me knowing, or without the consent from my own mind. Bad habits die hard. I wish I am not growing to be like my parents–that will be really terrifying.

Her response completely took me by surprise. One hour later, she replied and she said I didn’t hurt her at all since all her relatives had told her she’s not good enough to get into Rutgers. What I said was so much milder than what her husband, her other friends, and her parents had said.

Well, I was glad that she was not upset or mad with me, but on the other hand, I really felt sorry for L, who’s a very sweet girl. Why did she tolerate other people’s verbal attack? Why didn’t she defend herself? She should have said to me, “I am a very affectionate, lively, and worthy girl even if I didn’t get into Rutgers. And C’son is a good boy and you should not criticize him because he didn’t get in Rutgers.”

Now I have a plan that I am going to talk with L about defending herself and asserting herself when her relatives and friends are trying to make her feel small. I don’t think people have bad intentions, but people are often careless and casual. When L is so sweet and nice, people just take advantage of the situation. I mean I am one of these people. I can hurt people without even wanting to hurt people.

The fact that she didn’t even think that I had overstepped the boundary and said something unkind is an indication how prevalent such negative remarks are and how much they are tolerated. And the reason I said it is probably because I had heard it so often that I have absorbed such remarks as my own unwittingly.

I think I need a complete new alignment. I should stop reading books that are disguised as good books, but in reality they are very depressing books that distort our life and our mind. I think Dionne Brand jeered at people like me. For example, I admire things I don’t understand; I want to serve a cause, which doesn’t care about me; I absorb other people’s opinions and echo them as if they are my own, and these opinions, disguised as sanguine opinions, will only make me feel more negative about the world.

And of course I buy many discount books or half priced books from Amazon or Audible. They sound like good books., but they are not. I think I am going to describe these books, which pretend to be good and beneficial on the surface. Deep down, they are depressing. And of course those books that are considered best examples of literature and stood the test of time of one or two hundred years–they are probably the most depressing of all.

16 thoughts on “I Wish I Didn’t Say That (Continued)

    1. I want to be more open to my friends. Also I want to learn how to protect oneself while still being opening to friends. It is a difficult balance for people who grew up not trusting people around. it is an interesting exploration as well.

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  1. I’d love to read a post about deceptive books. So interesting. And I think the real strength is to be able to recognize one’s weaknesses, and have the courage to say that one can change because one wants to. You’re on the right path, Haoyan. 🙂

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    1. Thank you for your sweet encouragement and I will do one next week. Yes, a woman is often surrounded by stories that praise inertia, aunties who tell partial tales that appear to conform to the social norm, biographies that hide a woman poet’s true inspiration etc. I certainly should write about what I know. Thank you for the suggestion.

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    1. So true. Most of the books i read are depressing. It is said the more educated a woman is, the more depressed she gets. This is certainly not true for men. I do believe that books have a lot to do with making women sad. Or probably books are just a reflection of the general social settings. LOL.

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  2. True friends forgive you your faults when they know you well enough to recognize that your intentions are good. Family members can forgive too but they feel compelled to punish you first. Well, that comment just summarized in one sentence a Blog I was working on. Now I have to scramble quickly for another idea.

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    1. So true. Friends always forgive you and I really should be more open with my friends. Well, let me think. Probably you can write about your experience growing up and being educated by nuns. Your fans (like me) are very interested in that.

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        1. I think that’s because you have a nice temper and is always the gentleman. The nuns must have liked you very much. You know good people attract good people; narcissists attract narcissists. That’s how the world is organized. I have to be very careful since growing up in a narcissistic family, I have to unlearn a lot of bad traits and I have to be careful so that I don’t attract narcissists.

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  3. I’m so glad L wasn’t hurt by your words. However, please don’t be so hard on yourself. This is also perpetrating critical thoughts, just directing them at yourself. Also, it’s good to examine books, but even if they have a depressing message they might have merit. It can be beneficial to read things that help you question and redefine your own priorities. Maybe focus on finding books that align with the way you want to be to help provide a more positive outcome?

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