I Wish I Didn’t Say That

Diary, Reflections 2 Minutes

Image by Andreas Hoja from Pixabay

I spent most of the day doing laundry, and shopping for grocery, and cooking. When I finally sat down, my friend L sent me a message. We ended up chatting for an hour, but after I hung up, I realized that I said something wrong and my friend L was probably hurt by my words.

I was talking about my old friend C whose son couldn’t get into Rutgers University. My old friend C is a very smart girl and how come her son couldn’t even get into Rutgers. I said.

“I guess her son didn’t inherit her gene.” L said to me in a low tone. Somehow I felt that L was not as chatty and talkative like before. I really sensed her change of tone.

Then, after hanging up, I realized that I might have hurt L since many years ago, L couldn’t get into a Rutgers graduate program which had several pre-requirement that L didn’t have. Of course there’s the difference–L was thinking of a graduate program while C’s son was applying to be a freshman undergraduate. Still, it is the same university and L may very well be injured by my words.

I guess I have become more sensitive to my own fault than before. I realized that I must have hurt L, who’s a very sweet girl. She didn’t protest, but I felt that I had said something terrible. Why should I be so hard on C and C’s son? I’m so bad. Why did I criticize C like that? Well, C is a little annoying in one way or another, but still C doesn’t deserve my censure. She is a good mother and a very responsible mother too, even if she’s not a good friend to me. I shouldn’t have talked about C like that. And along the way of criticizing C and her son, I hurt L as well.

I am a victim of my parents’ narcissism, but I also “inherited” many of their bad behaviors–I tend to criticize this and censure that. Nothing is good enough for me. My behavior is exactly a copy of my narcissistic parents. Although it would be the last thing in the world for me to consciously mimic my parents’ behavior, I unwittingly say and do things exactly like what they used to do.

Knowing my own weaknesses, I sent L several text messages to apologize. I will send L a gift just to show how sorry I am.

Probably she won’t forgive me…

Published by haoyando

Published

19 thoughts on “I Wish I Didn’t Say That”

  3. It’s true, we sometimes “inherit” unwanted things from our parents. But don’t be too hard on yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad person. We all do things like this. Just learn from this mistake and be more careful next time.

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    1. Yes, I am too negative. I really need to be more positive. Also C annoys me and I try to censure C, but I obviously overstepped. I mean C’s son is a good son and why was I so negative on him? I really should not be like that. I am like my parents, which is the last thing I want to be.

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        1. Yes, we are. And it is essential that we adjust ourselves to go beyond our environment, but I know it is difficult. I haven’t been able to do it myself, but I would always encourage others to do it…

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  4. What I ment to say is: nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes. An appology can seem like trying to cover up one’s flaws. But having those isn’t problematic as we all have them, what counts is being a good friend. It may take some time to show it, waiting for a proper occassion. Rather than an appology, more important is letting that person know/feel you care and are willing to help when needed.

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    1. So true. What really counts is that one really cares about the friendship and want your friend to be who he/she is. Often I can be very negative and sometimes I can hurt people unwittingly. I have no intention of hurting others and I have witnessed how my narcissistic relatives torture each other and people around them. I really want to shed this part of my life and I will continue trying until I succeed.

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  5. That is unfortunate, but these things happen and they can have a serious impact on a relationship. I don’t think you can set it straight for it can’t be undone, you can appologize but usually that doesn’t solve it, it only helps avoiding further escalation.
    However the relationship can heal. The best way is to be there for her when she needs it, that is the most effective way and sincere expression of appreciation.

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    1. So true. I really like her and would like to be a good friend. And also even if I help her, I still do not have the right to be negative. I want to encourage her to be better and she is somebody who can be better. If we have the intention to love people, I think people will know.

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  8. I’m sure she will forgive you. You realized that you said something insensitive and apologized. That is great you realized and made steps to rectify the situation. It’s very hard to overcome such negativity and criticism when you’ve been raised that way, and recognizing that you’ve engaged in that behavior is a big step. Hugs.

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    1. Yes, thank you for your wonderful encouragement. I will want to shed my narcissistic upbringing and work my way to be a normal person. I will apologize and beg to become normal. Yes, big hugs…

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