The One Thousandth

Image by Manfred Richter from Pixabay

This is my 1000th post and I thought I would do something more interesting than my other posts, only to realize that the pressure of producing something better is a little too much to bear. At first I prepared two stories, one is “My Crazy Son-In-Law” and the other is “The Uncanny Resemblance”. Each is interesting in its own ways, but still not interesting enough to be worthy of the honor. So I abandoned the idea.

I thought other ideas would duly arrive, but none so far. This has always been the case for writing–whenever I think I should rise to the occasion, to my dismay I always find myself totally devoid of ideas or thoughts. If it is something else, like tutoring a person, finishing a document etc., one can force oneself to focus and to get it done in time. However such kind of forcefulness will only stop the words flowing and block the writing from happening. I still haven’t figured out how to coax the brain to comply with the importance of exertion for the sake of necessity. The brain doesn’t listen–it has a mind of its own.

Without any idea what to write for this moment of numerical importance, I think I will describe some problems I’ve encountered and what I’ve learned so far. I started writing WP posts at the beginning of the lockdown in 2000 and I thought I would use this platform to practice my writing. I have a small circle of friends and acquaintance, who have always complimented me on my writing. I think they do it just for politeness purposes and try to give some kindly attention to me. However such a good intention of my dear friends has given me a sense of unsubstantiated pride, which has grown with each passing year. When I started my WP posts, I was filled with this kind of over-confidence and self satisfaction–How vain I was and how much I abused my friends’ kindness and generous words.

Now, more than two and half years later, I feel very differently and my confidence has mostly gone. Instead, I am left with a deep dissatisfaction and the feeling of inadequacy. The practice of writing has produced the unexpected result of revealing to me the limited capacity I have. I can’t make a sad story readable, and the more I tried for a tragicomic effect, the more I felt it’s contrived; if I didn’t try at all for effect, it would be just plain old boring. The narrative can drag on, sometimes aimless, sometimes convoluted, sometimes with a pathetic attempt for humor, which doesn’t come out as intended.

And this is not the worst. The worst is that I can’t imagine a character and make him or her believable. I just can’t. All my imagined characters come out ridiculous and laughable and awkward. The only characters that make sense are those who are based on real life persons. Or probably I have a problem of self censure. I guess my narcissistic parents instilled in me the virtue of self torture and self flagellation, from which I can’t escape.

Well, after vent my frustration, I feel much better now. I am glad that I can finally write about the fact that I have nothing to write about.

27 thoughts on “The One Thousandth

  1. Congratulations on reaching a very fine milestone. Your blogs are always a delight to read and remind us every now and then of what it is like to be a fish out of water. Then there are those posts that we have a giggle at, feel sympathetic towards others misfortune and are thankful we aren’t in some of the relationships depicted.

    It will be another 15 years before I reach my 1 000 post 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for visiting. And what sweet encouragement you’ve always given me. Hahaha, I am mostly writing about things I have encountered. Hmm, you make me think that probably I want to write from a more positive angle. LOL. Wish I know how.

      Like

  2. Congratulations on this milestone. I am very happy you decided to join WordPress and I met you here. I enjoy your writing thoroughly and our chats about Roth and narcissism lol.
    As for your writing, I wouldn’t be too concerned that your characters are “ridiculous and laughable and awkward” because most people are like that in real life too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s exactly what I want to say to you. I am so glad to have met you here and we can talk about topics that interest us.
      Now I send a lot of hugs to you for the wisdom in your writing and the courage in your pursuit. Hahaha, and thank you for explaining “ridiculous, laughable, and awkward” in such a flattering way, which just shows how good you are in offering twists and surprises.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations on writing your 1000th post. That is a commendable feat in itself. You have a lovely style of writing which is honest, fearless, and straightforward witty. I know it’s tough to force the mind to create against its will. But this post in itself proves that you can write about anything while keeping your reader engrossed. Don’t be hard on yourself. I love reading your words and that’s not flattery. It’s the truth. Keep writing, Haoyan. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouragement and support. And I love your compliment even though I don’t think I deserve it. Thank you. You are so sweet. Yes, sometimes I just feel that I am no good since ideas just don’t come. LOL. Anyway, so glad I can be in the WP community and enjoy your company.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I always find it is worthwhile to write about writing or write about how we have nothing to write, as it is truly a good way to get the words flowing and delve into our thought processes! ❤ Congratulations on 1000 posts too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, me too. I can’t agree more. When we don’t have anything to write, just write about the fact that we have nothing. That’s a great way to practice…Thank you for your sweet encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. And you bring up such a wonderful point that I might be just teasing. And it is such an interesting observation about the cultural differences. I often have trouble to accurately estimate the seriousness or the humor or the subtlety of English speakers. And I was just a little frustrated when no idea came when I needed ideas. And thank you for your sweet message.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. So true. And thank you for your continuous encouragement. Ideas are often in short supply indeed. I rarely have those moments when ideas rush to me like overwhelmingly or like a flood. It never happens. LOL. I guess that’s just life…

          Liked by 1 person

  5. I enjoy coming here and reading your stories and about words you’ve learned. I really have not had a lot of exposure to Asian culture and so I find your characters intriguing. I started my blog with the intention of practicing writing as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Congrats from me as well! Just enjoy the writing! We all know what it’s like having “nothing” to write about. But then the “nothing” turns into “something”. 1000 posts in 2.5 years is amazing in itself!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Whenever I go back to those old posts, I feel that it is a different version of me. Somehow one’s thoughts change as time goes by. So true. When there’s nothing to write about, we know that we can’t force something out…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. The dreams
    not homemade
    every day
    from the drama
    the soul
    there where man
    not the author
    himself is
    only a supporting role
    has to play
    the paradox
    the language
    the pictures
    to people
    who we know
    with others
    who remain unknown
    serve every human being
    if he tries
    the reality
    to recognize the soul
    as counterpart
    the events
    one’s own world of experience
    there are of them
    every human
    enough to write
    and enough stories
    to tell

    Liked by 1 person

  8. There are many different ways of writing. You only have to look at Beckett, Joyce – or even Cormac McCarthy. Wordsworth said something along the lines of this: that he intended to create the taste by which he would be judged! (Maybe he was a grandiose narcissist – but maybe that’s what it takes sometimes.)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Congratulations on your 1000th post, that is quite an accomplishment in itself. We are our own worst critics. You are the third person I have heard today who criticizes what they do. The first was my granddaughter who was tearing her hair out on an English essay, because she hated everything she had written. The second was an actor being interviewed on YouTube who never watches his movies because he criticizes every move that he made on screen. As I say, we are our own worst critics. But, 1000 posts, you must be doing something right. Looking forward to reading your next 1000.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha, yes, it is good to have companies. I had that feeling too when one finishes writing something and can’t help tearing it to pieces because one is so dissatisfied with it. I guess we’ve all been there and done that. And thank you for the encouragement. I guess venting is very healthy for one’s mental health. After venting, one is back to one’s normal self again…

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s