Image by Annie Le from Pixabay
My friend told me last month that a lesbian couple moved into her street close to her home. And she is a little surprised to find that they are very normal, just like everybody else. She is almost a little disappointed that they are so normal. And this reminds me of my own experience with this topic long ago. By the way, my friend has nothing to do with the "she" I mentioned in the post, which happened long time ago in a completely different location.
“Two of my fellow students are lesbians. You know they are angry women who hate men.” She said.
“Really?” I was a little shocked and my curiosity piqued.
That was many years ago when she and I were both graduate students in a university in Pennsylvania. I was a science student who studied science subjects for years. Also I came from a very conservative background, which made me quite ignorant of what life is outside of my own narrow circle. She was not an American. She’s from a middle class family of an industrialized country. (For privacy reasons, I don’t want to point out which country she’s from since that’s irrelevant. She could from anywhere.) She’s doing humanity science (you know history, anthropology, music, or literature) and we were talking about two peers of hers in her department.
Anyway, later on I met the two lesbian peers of hers in a big party that our International House hosted. They didn’t look angry to me at all, just quite indifferent, but it’s my habit in those days to discount my own experiences while honoring opinions from more authoritative figures. I was very curious to talk with these two, but didn’t know how to approach them. Also I was a little afraid of angry women who might unleash their anger on me. Well, if they were friendly, I thought probably I would be more worried since I had no wish to become a lesbian myself and didn’t want to go to their lesbian colony–I imagined that they lived in such a place for some unknown reasons–if they tried to recruit me.
Over the years, I’ve met more people, watched more shows, and become a little more educated on this topic and I realized that lesbians are just like everybody else. They may be indifferent to certain things that are considered essential by other women; they may be less sweet when they talk; they may show their un-smoothed edges more than other women. However I don’t feel that they are angry women though. Actually their spontaneous release of their steam in life may have prevented them from becoming real angry women.
Then I started to know a little bit more about psychology, narcissism, personality disorders etc. And this made me think. Actually you know who the real angry women are? I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but when we write, sometimes we do have to stamp on that border of embarrassment. The real angry woman who hates men is actually my mother. For years she tried to keep up the appearance of a good family, but she hated it; she tortured my father every day on all kinds of petty issues–my father was quite layback while my mother was more energetic. Now looking back, I feel that she actually developed a habit of extracting pleasure out of torturing him. If she was not sadistic at first, she certainly developed sadistic tendencies through years of living with somebody she didn’t love, family she didn’t care, but for the sake of appearance she had to sacrifice herself for.
And now I feel how stupid I was back then when my housemate told me about angry lesbians. I couldn’t see the fault in her statement even though I met her peers and didn’t feel that they were angry people. Worse, I grew up with my parents and I didn’t realize that my mother is an angry woman. I can’t believe I was so unobservant, so lack of basic understanding, so stupid. It’s right in front of me, but I couldn’t see it for what it was and only saw what I wished to be true.
Haoyan Do 
Nice writing my friend. I think there are a lot of angry people in the world period. I try not to judge anyone and you hit the nail of the head when you said sometimes it is just anger within the person (your mom in this story) and ignorance can be the one thing that can cause so much hate, judgement and even jealousy. Great piece and sending hugs and love, Enjoy your weekend my friend, Joni
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People are people ya know, I’m sure there are some militant feminist lesbians who hate men out there just like there are probably ALSO militant feminist straight women out there. Sexuality has nothing to do with temperament. So cool to read that you discovered that.
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Yes, it has nothing to do with sexual orientations. It’s just human. After growing up knowing two very angry women (my mother and my grandmother), I should have known better when other people told me lies but I just didn’t have the perceptiveness to pull it off.
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Imagine, lesbians are just like everyone else! I have a mental image of your friend spying on her neighbors and being disappointed that they were human!
I’ve met many angry women like your mother. I don’t think any of them were lesbians, although I’m sure it’s possible to have angry lesbians.
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Yes, so true. My friend even joined the townhouse board and increased her frequency of jogging, just so that she can have more chance to meet, but only to find that the lesbian couples are as normal as everybody else. All her effort is coming to nothing.
Goodness, I’ve met angry women just toooo often. And none of them are lesbians although I agree with you that angry lesbians do exist. Still I am wondering. I think my mother is the angriest and bitterest–there should be Guinness World Record for the angriest women…
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Oh dear. I love the efforts your friend has gone to in order to spy on these strange new creatures!
The angriest woman I know is my sister in law. She’s so bitter and full of hate. She wants to destroy her husband and child. It’s really upsetting. Most people are afraid of her so she gets away with behaving like a monster.
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I sympathize with your brother and your niece or nephew. I mean they must be devastated. Yes, actually if people never experienced a crazy relative themselves, they never could understand. And if you can picture an angry monster who keep up a friendly facade for the world and unleash her wrath inside the home, that will be my mother, the narcissist, who lived to destroy everybody she was associated with. And I want people to be sympathetic to victims of narcissism because in today’s world, everyone is prone to meet a narcissist–as their parent, their lover, their co-workers, their boss. It’s almost impossible to completely avoid them. I hope people are lucky enough to avoid them, but that’s too much to wish for. So be aware of them. And narcissists know how to hide their anger and recruit flying monkeys to help them. We normal people have to be careful and to be aware.
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You are right. I’m very sorry you had to go through that with your mother. That is so damaging, especially when a person presents one face to society and a completely different one to their family.
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That’s what a narcissist is. A narcissist will choose a victim, recruit flying monkeys, spread rumors, and manipulate the situation so that nobody would believe the victim’s complaint. And with the increasing number of narcissists in existence, we are very likely to meet one in our lifetime.
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We grow, learn, and realize. That’s what living life is all about. Sheltered minds and hearts never see the truth and if they do are unable to recognize it. Acceptance and tolerance can do wonders. Abuse of any kind can shatter lives, the cracks often remaining forever.
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It is very shocking that many sheltered minds don’t see the truth. Never. I mean for decades and decades. Truth never comes out, even if it is in plain sight right in front of everybody.
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My mother tortured my dad, too! Thank you for sharing bcuz now I realize it’s not an isolated experience (even though I wish it was, of course).
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Yes, narcissistic people tend to torture people around them and the victims often suffer silently. The psychological scars can be very severe that many have difficulty to recover.
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💯 It’s incredibly hard to explain to others, as well!
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Nobody believed me when I tried to explain to my friends what happened. This is a common thing for victims of narcissism.
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Yes, it is. Even if it is explained well, it still sounds too ludicrous to believe. I’ve been there several times. Narcissists will turn a person’s mind inside-out and the tactics used to carry this out cannot so easily be conveyed to others. It’s just not “natural”; sounds too much like a far-fetched fantasy movie. So, those who’ve lived thru it tend to live their memories alone.
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I wouldn’t pretend to be an expert on this, but I think this may be what psychotherapists refer to as “projection”. People misinterpret what is coming from inside them as coming from the outside.
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The above is in reply to you comment about the angry mother. I think I posted it incorrectly!
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Hmmm. I just googled psychological “projection” and it is a very interesting word. I guess our brain just constantly bamboozles us, isn’t it? And if you want it to stop, it will continue.
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There are so many crazy stereotypes that surround the LGBT+ community but at the end of the day most of them are untrue and stem from a mixture of ignorance and fear of anything different from the norm.
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Yes, I wrote this because a friend told me that a lesbian couple moved to her street. She expected to see some abnormality from them, but has been disappointed that they behaved so normal. I thought about this housemate of mine who told me her angry lesbian peers. I can’t believe I believed her back then. I guess she was not deliberately lying. She was just parroting things that she heard from other people. Actually when this housemate’s mother came to visit her (2 or 3 times) and I met her. Her mother was really an angry woman who would scold people (in her very polite way). She actually scolded a lot of things and she’s a very angry woman. I could feel that she’s not satisfied with her marriage or her life. I mean she’s not as extreme as my mother, but she’s half way there. I mean my housemate would rather label her peers as angry women while not labeling her own mother as an angry woman. Isn’t it fascinating? She was as blind and ignorant as I was. I remember once her mother scolded a little child star on TV, saying that she’s too hyper and she’s a terrible little actress etc–I forget the exact wording she used. I was a little surprised that she could be so critical to a little harmless child.
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Wow, her mother sounds like she’s quite angry and unhappy. I guess it’s easier to judge others than look inwards and judge yourself. I have noticed people who judge others like that are often quite sad people.
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I guess there are so many images of lesbians they can’t all be right. More likely none of them are right. Decades ago they were “mannish” ladies in tweed suits. Then there are the “angry” ones that you mention. I can only assume they were thought to be angry at men – which is why they didn’t want anything to do with them. Then there are the sweet, compliant and very feminine lesbians of the porn world. In Second Life the “lesbians” are mostly men pretending to be women. People project onto them whatever takes their fancy.
Haha – I like the idea of a lesbian colony. The closest I can think of would be our nearby city of Brighton UK. There it is pretty much the norm to be LGB.
Yes – you’re right – I think there is more likely to be anger among outwardly conventional but inwardly twisted people. I imagine LGB people have found some kind of inner peace, if only in one aspect of their existence.
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Actually my friend told me that a lesbian couple moved into their street not far away from where she’s living. And they look perfectly normal, just like everybody else. She expected some abnormality from them, but has been disappointed, at least from their outward behavior, that they are so normal. I think this is why I write this. I heard about this angry lesbians stereotype for so long, but I guess they are just like everybody else–some can be angry but most are just normal.
Actually for the housemate I mentioned in the post, her mother came to visit her and I met her twice, if not three times. Her mother is an angry woman. Very polite, but I could feel her anger seething underneath. She is not as extreme as my own mother, but she is half way there. I can’t believe this housemate would rather label her two peers as angry women while not labeling her own mother as an angry woman. LOL. I guess she was as blind as I was.
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