Many Indecisions

Image by LoggaWiggler from Pixabay

I have no idea what I want to write for today even if I have a big list of vague ideas, and an assortment of short story books from Parker, Munro, Carver, Waugh, Hemingway. In addition I have a pile of bad drafts that are too embarrassing to be shown to others but not bad enough to be thrown away. With all these resources, still I can’t decide what to write for today. Several months ago, when I was stuck with nothing to say, I realized that I need to have something to review and to fall back on when I feel blocked. I started to compile suggestions, inklings, possibilities etc. Now browsing them, I don’t feel one spark of inspiration. Seriously, I can’t inspire myself. I am too dull to inspire me. This is why I have to read other people’s thoughts.

No idea what I want to wear while standing in front of the closet full of clothes. Actually I just want to be a cat or its bigger cousin a lioness, who doesn’t need to worry about what she looks like. She just has one outfit for all occasions and she always looks wonderful except when she’s having a meal. She doesn’t have much of a table manner at all.

At first I thought it’s the problem of buying discount items. So I cut down on buying things on sale and opt for a fixed budget each month. This way I can hold on for two or three months without buying anything, and at the end of the three months I can buy something that’s beautiful and not on sale. I thought this scheme might solve my nothing-to-wear problem, but that hasn’t happened. I still don’t have something really satisfactory to wear.

No idea what to cook when opening the refrigerator which is stuffed with food. It’s one day after the weekend shopping and the fridge is full, but opening it, I don’t feel I want to eat any of the food inside. It’s all because I want to eat healthily, which reduces the food repertoire considerably. I cut down on fat, meat, carbs, diary product–most of the food items are excluded.

It’s all because I used to eat very unhealthily, which resulted in very bad results in annual medical checkup. Also I’ve heard too many incidents of women suffering from breast cancer. When I was growing up, there’s almost no breast cancer at all in the rural college close to Mongolian steppe where my mother worked. However it is said that Asian women living in America have the same rate of breast cancer as everybody else. It is said it’s because of the diet change–Asian women eat a lot more meat and consume a lot more diary product in here. Because of all these health scares, now I am having a very healthy diet and a very unpleasant meal time–I am no longer interested in food anymore. A healthy diet regime usually does that to you. I can understand why my friends want to eat junk food and live a shorter life.

No idea what to read when facing a stuffed bookshelf and a library list in my kindle reader. I was a very disciplined reader before, but that has changed over the years. Now I don’t have any discipline at all about what I read, which means I often leave a book half unread and claim that I have read it on goodreads.com; I often leave a book totally unread on the shelf; I often read 10 pages in one book and jump to another book for no reason at all. I used to be quite enthusiastic about reading, which was partly due to the fact that I believed what I read, at least for the time while I was reading it. Now I don’t believe in what I read anymore. The gloom of unbelieving had been in the making for years and 2020 just pushed it over the edge–all those that happened forced me to reexamine what I had read before–how much I was led into a kind of thinking that completely differed from my own life experiences.

11 thoughts on “Many Indecisions

  1. However, you decided to write here, and it is our pleasure to read your words. Don’t dismay, perhaps it’s the change in the weather, autumn into winter that is depressing. Just think, spring is next! 😊🌹🙋‍♂️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve faced both issues- not having anything to wear and not knowing what to cook. I guess a lot of people don’t realise one of the most annoy parts of being an adult is having to cook something every day. I usually eat healthy since that’s how I was raised and that’s what I know how to cook but I think after living here I’ve been eating a lot more unhealthy foods and I want to stop that. I usually end up making some kind of rice when I don’t know what else to make.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true. There are so many junk food that are attracting our attention every day. It is so easy to have a bag of chips. I recently find some healthy hummus in the store called Aldi. It is true. Cooking every day is so annoying. Just think about those women of previous generations who have to raise kids. They cooked all the time. If not cooking, they are mending shirt and shoes and washing clothes. Can’t imagine a life like that anymore.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah hummus is great but I have a bad habit of eating chips with it. It sort of defeats the purpose for me lol.
        True, the women of older generations put so much of their time into cooking, cleaning and raising their kids. I definitely can’t imagine that kind of life for myself and I know many people from my generation feel that way. That’s why so many women now are choosing to not have children or get married.

        Like

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