I have no idea what I want to write for today even if I have a big list of vague ideas, and an assortment of short story books from Parker, Munro, Carver, Waugh, Hemingway. In addition I have a pile of bad drafts that are too embarrassing to be shown to others but not bad enough to be thrown away. With all these resources, still I can’t decide what to write for today. Several months ago, when I was stuck with nothing to say, I realized that I need to have something to review and to fall back on when I feel blocked. I started to compile suggestions, inklings, possibilities etc. Now browsing them, I don’t feel one spark of inspiration. Seriously, I can’t inspire myself. I am too dull to inspire me. This is why I have to read other people’s thoughts.
No idea what I want to wear while standing in front of the closet full of clothes. Actually I just want to be a cat or its bigger cousin a lioness, who doesn’t need to worry about what she looks like. She just has one outfit for all occasions and she always looks wonderful except when she’s having a meal. She doesn’t have much of a table manner at all.
At first I thought it’s the problem of buying discount items. So I cut down on buying things on sale and opt for a fixed budget each month. This way I can hold on for two or three months without buying anything, and at the end of the three months I can buy something that’s beautiful and not on sale. I thought this scheme might solve my nothing-to-wear problem, but that hasn’t happened. I still don’t have something really satisfactory to wear.
No idea what to cook when opening the refrigerator which is stuffed with food. It’s one day after the weekend shopping and the fridge is full, but opening it, I don’t feel I want to eat any of the food inside. It’s all because I want to eat healthily, which reduces the food repertoire considerably. I cut down on fat, meat, carbs, diary product–most of the food items are excluded.
It’s all because I used to eat very unhealthily, which resulted in very bad results in annual medical checkup. Also I’ve heard too many incidents of women suffering from breast cancer. When I was growing up, there’s almost no breast cancer at all in the rural college close to Mongolian steppe where my mother worked. However it is said that Asian women living in America have the same rate of breast cancer as everybody else. It is said it’s because of the diet change–Asian women eat a lot more meat and consume a lot more diary product in here. Because of all these health scares, now I am having a very healthy diet and a very unpleasant meal time–I am no longer interested in food anymore. A healthy diet regime usually does that to you. I can understand why my friends want to eat junk food and live a shorter life.
No idea what to read when facing a stuffed bookshelf and a library list in my kindle reader. I was a very disciplined reader before, but that has changed over the years. Now I don’t have any discipline at all about what I read, which means I often leave a book half unread and claim that I have read it on goodreads.com; I often leave a book totally unread on the shelf; I often read 10 pages in one book and jump to another book for no reason at all. I used to be quite enthusiastic about reading, which was partly due to the fact that I believed what I read, at least for the time while I was reading it. Now I don’t believe in what I read anymore. The gloom of unbelieving had been in the making for years and 2020 just pushed it over the edge–all those that happened forced me to reexamine what I had read before–how much I was led into a kind of thinking that completely differed from my own life experiences.