Advise Her, Please

Have you ever had a friend who always ask you for advice but never take any of your advice? I have such a friend. So why does she ask then? Sometimes I think she just wants to ask me to make it look like she has consulted others. Or she just wants to poke holes in my argument to convince herself how smart she is. Or she just wants my advice as a decoration–to make up the number so that it looks like there are a lot of options. Or there might be some other reasons I don’t know of. Sometimes I imagine the dynamic between she and her husband inadvertently involves me–I am a clown or a joke of certain sort. She asks for my opinion and then she will use it as a joke to spice up their dinner conversation. I don’t know why I imagine such things, but I do. “Poor Haoyan,” they would sympathize while munching on a spring roll wrapped in rice paper, “she always says the Asian community is too conservative and she doesn’t like conventional wisdom. However she doesn’t know that the house always wins. Betting against the house is disastrous.”

When she was doing her intensive aerobic exercise, I advised her not to do it and told her she would end up hurting herself. She wouldn’t listen since she’s eager to lose weight. Needless to say, she ended up hurting her legs. She’s doing physical therapy now and thinking of possible surgery in the future.

“No more exercise. It’s way too dangerous.” I told her.

“I asked the doctors, but they say some people are prone to leg problems. Even people who don’t exercise can hurt their legs.” She said.

“So what they suggest? Keep on exercising? I can’t believe this. Whatever quark doctor you are seeing, you can’t exercise anymore.” I said, realizing that I really don’t understand how her mind works.

52 thoughts on “Advise Her, Please

  1. Yes I have met a few people like her in my lifetime 😄 i think they just want to “use” us to start a discussion, and also to test how they would feel if they were to do things differently. Like flipping a coin, and depending on how satisfied you are with the result you will know which side you really want. (I hope i’m making sense😂)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t understand either. In the end, they do what they want to do. So, I have stopped advising and started pointing out the good and the bad of their choice. Now it’s up to them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. That is so true. I am a person who just can’t shut up and I just continue to voice my opinion no matter what. I think my friends know this side of me… LOL.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Giving advice is very tricky business. You want to help but if you say something not to their real liking they take offence. And also if what you suggest they follow and it misfires, you become the villain, even though you meant well..so be always cautious in this matter🙄

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tell me about it. I became a villain more than once when I advice on relationships. Now I am all “great” since I had several experiences of telling my girlfriends to “back off from a relationship” only to see them jumping in instead. And guess what, I became a villain of their pillow talk at night. “She is a witch who wanted to break us up. Honey, I stick with you despite her advice.” I can imagine what they say. Sigh. When can I keep my big mouth shut?

      Like

  4. I have many such friends, what I concluded is they just wanna listen what they think is right from your mouth, if you advised exactly the thing which going in their mind, they will thank you and do it…. and if not, ifnyou said something opposite they will just listen it and talk to someone else about it, seeking advice until unless someone finally say what they wanna hear 😐😐😐
    What I started doing, I listen to their problems, beat around the bush for some minutes and then ask them what they really want to do about it, after 3-4 ‘I don’t knows ‘ they finally blurt it out and I just repeat it word to word and call it a day !!! They= happy, Me= Atleast not exhausted

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is exactly what happened here. You are more skilled at conversation than I am. Yes, listen to her, examine various shades of her problem, enjoy the proceedings, and weighing on different choices. I certainly should do that. Then I will not be imposing my opinion on her. LOL. I love this discussion.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sorry to hear about your friend. And I agree that some people enjoy having problems. Next time, ask her “What do you think you should do?” Give her responsibility for finding solutions to her own problems.

    I’ve seen something similar recently. YouTube recently sent out email notices about merging music channels. In spite of this, every day, one popular YouTuber claims that YouTube has destroyed his channels. People have been commenting, tweeting and sending him video links to explain but he never responds. Part of the reason they “help” him is because they want acknowledgement which they will never get. It’s quite a toxic situation.

    Your friend will never listen to you. She wants you focus on her but doesn’t know how to ask in a mature, healthy way. Listen, but don’t try to fix things for her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s true. I am to straightforward. You are so right about it. I should play the role of better listener and ask her to express everything and pretend that I am very interested in all what she has to say. You bring up such a great point that I should do that and discuss the various shades of her situation with her… I will try to do it next time. LOL. Live and learn.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Some people are like that. They know how to bring us to a point where we agree to their points even if it is wrong. They know how to make others to question themselves. Some people just ask advice but cannot take a honest one.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes, that’s so true. Some people are so good at influencing people around them that they can get them to accept anything. That’s a gift, which is often abused. Sometimes it can lead to terrible consequences.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. My father used to say he needed to get some advice. It’s not that he never took the advice. He never actually asked for it. He liked to think out loud. My brother and I figured he needed an audience, perhaps he flattered us into listening by seeking our advice. He operated the same way at work. Occasionally we could get in a question or two and maybe those were helpful. He was very successful and popular but everyone joked about his method of working through issues. It never bothered me not to give him any actual advice. My sister once asked me for advice, I gave it to her, and she did not speak to me for two years. Giving advice is way over-rated!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. LOL. Yes, sometimes people want to think out loud, as you said, and have an audience. It doesn’t mean that they want to take advice, especially across the generation gap. And the one with your sister is funny. Yes, if you give “love” advice to your relatives or girlfriends, you are going to be shocked later on. I did that several times with my friends on “love advice”, only to be completely amazed at them disregarding everything I said. I started to imagine that they told their significant others that “look, that’s the woman who advice me on…”.

      Like

  8. You should probably give her noncommittal answers no matter how much she begs or cajoles you. “Cast not your pearls before swine…” You have good common sense wisdom, don’t waste it on someone who treats you this way. Her friendship may cool off with you but how true of a friend is she? I’m sorry, I know we deeply love our friends no matter how flawed we can see they are and there are some friends we cannot help but try to do our best for but…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL. That’s a wonderful way. I should learn that. I should be more like asking for her opinions and try to cater to whatever she wants me to say. I think I didn’t relate the background of our friendship too much for people to understand the real issue here. If you live in an ethnic and immigrant community, sometimes you don’t have big enough community to choose your friend from. In my hometown, I have numerous relatives and friends to choose my relationship from, but here I have very few choices. So the ones I have I cherish a lot, despite our completely different views on life, politics… Also I refuse to change my opinion just because I live in a conservative community. I did that before but I didn’t enjoy it one bit. So right now I just do “show my love but still being myself.” I think since she is so different in her views, she is naturally suspicious of my advice.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. There do exist these kinda fellow humans, i stopped advising directly after they behaved just for two hours and then they were same again. They enjoy hearing advise but they scroll through mobile when we are delivering something !

    Liked by 4 people

    1. That’s so true. Our advice often goes unheeded. I used to get upset, but now I’m used to it. I still continue to advise despite everything because I want to show I care. LOL.

      Like

  10. It’s really hard to say why people do that. I did have a “friend” like that, and eventually I figured out she would ask me advice so she could ridicule me behind my back. I dropped that friend like a hot potato!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Actually that’s right on the spot. That happens when me and my friend have very different views about life. However if you live in an ethnic community or an expatriate community, you don’t have many choices about friendships since there aren’t so many people to choose from. Sometimes it is lucky to find somebody good tempered enough to hang out. Also I am deliberately staying away from conventional ways so that I can keep my mind fresh, which often causes my friends to be “against” me. They don’t argue with me directly–I wish they do though they don’t– but when the times come that they want to make decisions, I know they won’t listen to me. Since I have been living in a conservative environment all my life, I have learned to deal with conservative people around me–show my love but be very firm in my view.

      Like

      1. I understand that. I grew up in an expat community in London. It can be a lot to deal with sometimes. I feel fortunate that there weren’t other US expats in my community though. The longer I lived away from the US, I found it harder to deal with other Americans. That also explains why I never fitted back into the US when I repatriated and that’s why I am in another country

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, it takes a while to re-adapt back to your original habit and mentality. I am thinking of moving back to Asia one day and I know it will be another struggle to re-adjust myself back to my previous life. LOL. It is always intriguing to know how different Britain is from the U.S. since many of us think the two places are similar or same–only crossing a little pond.

          Like

        2. Yes, reverse culture shock can definitely be a struggle. I wish you luck with that. It’s definitely a common misconception that the UK and US are the same because they speak English. That’s a lot of misunderstanding and a massive identity crisis for me

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Wow, I think I’ve been mistaken for so long. Also I think in movies and TV series, there are often a mix of actors from both countries.. And this adds to people’s misunderstanding that the two countries (cultures) are the same or similar. LOL.

          Like

    1. That’s so true. I think most of us have a little mild depression and she is suffering from that too. She wants to get her mind off something and often she does things irrationally. LOL.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Lol some people just refuse to take your advice even if it’s for their own good. I had a friend like that- we aren’t friends anymore but it annoyed me so much when we were.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. Lol I am the nagging type too so I get your frustration but over time I have realised some people don’t want your advice they just want to use you as a sponge for their problems 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hahaha, I love the usage of “sponge” here and it is so vivid. Human relationship is tricky sometimes. I just can’t shut up even if I know subconsciously that my advice will not be taken seriously. LOL. Isn’t that funny how life turns out to be this way? It sorts of she’s asking knowing that she’s not going to take advice, and I am exercising my nagging knowing that she’s not listening to me. By the way she’s mildly depressed and has to over-eat and over-exercise to deal with her depression problem–my opinion. I think she should just take Prozac but she doesn’t believe that mental issues exist, but they do.

          Like

    1. Thank you. LOL. Isn’t it interesting that we don’t really know what’s happening in the mind of people around us? I probably is too vocal and too straightforward and too …

      Like

      1. Exactly my friend, we can’t read people’s minds and can’t even read their expressions because they hide behind the masks now. That’s the sad part 😇🙂 straight forwardness, that’s great to know so powerful.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, that’s true. Wearing masks is part of our outfit since forever. LOL. We have to live with it and understand it. Isn’t human life too complicated for our own good?

          Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s