Author: haoyando

My Self Sabotaging Mind (Flash Fiction Continued)

Thirdly, I thought it was the word flow problem. And it is said that one should do “morning ranting” to help the word flow. I did try it for one or two weeks, but then it became boring. The mindless rambling didn’t go anywhere and it felt like I was wasting the energy of my … Continue reading My Self Sabotaging Mind (Flash Fiction Continued) →

My Self Sabotaging Mind (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #180 I’ve always had this feeling that anything I write doesn’t come out as I would like it to come out. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. I can’t even articulate why this is the case. What is the problem? What is the gap between what’s in my … Continue reading My Self Sabotaging Mind (Flash Fiction) →

The Managing Style (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #179 It is said that there are two kinds of Asian restaurants in America—one kind caters to Americans and the other caters to Asian immigrants. The food choices, the food presentation, the management, the waiters or waitresses, and the price can be slightly different or significantly different, depending on who you ask.  Yue … Continue reading The Managing Style (Flash Fiction) →

The Attachment Theory

I can’t believe I am so devious. I am definitely not. Well, I never consciously want to be devious, but probably my subconscious sabotages me in ways that I am not aware of. Anyway, all these thoughts come from the fact that I encountered an attachment test. Usually I don’t take such tests since I … Continue reading The Attachment Theory →

My Mother & Ginseng

The price of ginseng has stayed flat, not affected at all by the current inflation. How strange. Just when I think everything is up and up, ginseng comes out and displays its steady price exactly like before, as if to mock my misconception. The autumn and the coming winter are the appropriate time to take … Continue reading My Mother & Ginseng →

Satisfaction & Disappointment

I am satisfied and disappointed at the same time, satisfied with the passages of descriptions that are subdued and suggestive exactly to my liking, but disappointed with them due to the same reason. I actually go back to reread some of the lines, “I had believed that my simple presence could keep my family safe, … Continue reading Satisfaction & Disappointment →

My Trigger In Full Display

I was very agitated, so much so that I couldn’t get my mind off it even if I knew I should be doing something else. I had no reason to be so agitated since it was not something that concerned me. Something happened to somebody else and I was just an outsider, being a friend … Continue reading My Trigger In Full Display →

Archetype vs. Prototype vs. Stereotype

I am listening to a book about writing and it talks about character archetypes, like lovers, outlaws, sages, heroes, anti-heroes etc. And the author claims that archetypes are very different from stereotypes, although the explanation is kind of very convincing at the time, but afterwards, I think I still feel it's not so clear. I … Continue reading Archetype vs. Prototype vs. Stereotype →

A Great Love Story Unwritten And Unread

Sometimes I can imagine myself attending my parents’ wedding and shouting at them, “please don’t. Don’t do that. Please do not create a hell for yourselves and for others.” And they heed my warning and believe me and part their ways, happily staying friends ever after, happily living their separate lives knowing that they are … Continue reading A Great Love Story Unwritten And Unread →

The Underlying Messages Are So Different

I went to the grocery store last weekend and picked up a book from a three layered table display with books all piled on each layer, deliberately disorganized. I don’t want to mention the book’s name or the author’s name since I don’t like to say negative things about a living author. I prefer gentle … Continue reading The Underlying Messages Are So Different →

A Game Of Confidence

I am feeling a little uncomfortable with myself when I think of this, but I can’t get rid of this feeling. I met Dodo last weekend again in the store and she talked about her kids. How intelligent is her son and how sweet is her daughter. She ranted, holding my hand as if I … Continue reading A Game Of Confidence →

Saturday’s Busy Void

Have you ever found that you are busy for an entire day, but in the end, around the midnight, you realize that you have achieved nothing. Busy for the sake of being busy. Rushing here and there just for the purpose of satisfying an inner demon of self torture or some other kind of inexplicable … Continue reading Saturday’s Busy Void →

The Impulse To Say Something

I just zoomed with a girl who didn’t like her Asian looks. Actually she didn’t explicitly say it, but I understood that she felt her looks made it hard for her to fit in, made her stand out in a negative way. She tried not to attract attention to herself because most of the attentions … Continue reading The Impulse To Say Something →

When I Have Nothing To Write For Today

Another Sunday comes and goes, and I’ve done nothing except running to the stores, making a batch of soy milk, rising three cups of dough with a yeast packet, read the first half of a book that complains about modern love but disguised as a love story, bought three audible books on sale, which I … Continue reading When I Have Nothing To Write For Today →

My First Relationship Heartache (Part 3)

This is the 3rd part of the story. The previous parts are here: 1st, 2nd. Now looking back, I think she was trying to make connections with me through stories of her family. Talking about her family made her feel she was being intimate with me. I should reciprocate with my own family stories, but … Continue reading My First Relationship Heartache (Part 3) →

My First Relationship Heartache (Part 2)

(This is the 2nd part of the story. The 1st part is here.)  As if she was deliberately trying to annoy me, she talked about her family all the time. I was not so much jealous of her good fortune as I was terribly bored since I had no family story to tell to reciprocate … Continue reading My First Relationship Heartache (Part 2) →

My First Relationship Heartache (Flash Fiction Part 1)

Flash Fiction #178 Many years ago, I attended a boarding high school hundreds of miles away from home. My parents didn’t want me to go, but I insisted on it. The school was well known for its bad food, worn out dorms, rigid rules, and indifferent teachers. It would have discouraged any normal people from … Continue reading My First Relationship Heartache (Flash Fiction Part 1) →

It Is A Mind Battle

I feel that every day I am wallowing in writing mistakes and can’t crawl out of it. Is this another trap? This feeling is punctuated by the thoughts that I am criticizing myself too much. The problem is that my brain seems to have a mind of its own. It doesn’t really follow my instructions. … Continue reading It Is A Mind Battle →

Explaining Cultural Differences (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #177 I was living in a house, named International House, on a semi rural and semi urban campus in Pennsylvania , which only accepted one or two people from the same country. So we ended up having a mixture of people from Asia, Africa, South America, Eastern Europe. Among us, there was one … Continue reading Explaining Cultural Differences (Flash Fiction) →

The Beginning Of My Story

The first time I felt that there might be something wrong with my father was when I was eight-years-old, or probably nine-years-old, standing right outside of the three-story apartment building where we lived. The snowstorm of the night before was gone, bringing a brilliant morning of sunshine and cloudless sky. The wind had died down; … Continue reading The Beginning Of My Story →

Beyond The Compliment (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #176 Adi: I am glad the meeting is over. Now listen to me, Lulan. You have really improved. The way you describe the issue and present your thought. You are so different now from when I first knew you. San: I totally agree. Lulan, you’ve changed. I would say a totally different person … Continue reading Beyond The Compliment (Flash Fiction) →

When I Am Blocked

A six months absence from WP; a half year hiatus. I stopped posting because I felt repetitive. The phrases I typed had been written and typed again and again before. I didn't see any improvement in myself even though I had expected to see gradual changes--hopefully for the better of course--in wording, thoughts, structuring of … Continue reading When I Am Blocked →

Our Twisted Mind

I was clicking on a random video in Spanish last night and found out that Biden had dropped out. This is the first time I received news in Spanish before receiving it in English. I couldn’t help feeling a sense of triumph. My Spanish has plateaued for months and had no sign of improving despite … Continue reading Our Twisted Mind →

Describe the Indescribable Feeling

English is a strange language in many aspects, like spelling, pronunciation, grammar, but here I am going to talk about what I feel when I read English poetry. Actually I don’t even know how to describe it, but describing a thing that is difficult to describe is what I want to do to improve my … Continue reading Describe the Indescribable Feeling →

A Writing Lesson (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #175 A: “It says here ‘nothing is too silly, too stupid, too weird to be included.’ Now the first exercise is: tell me something absurd.” B: “I don’t have it right now.” A: “But you told me your parents were absurd the other day.” B: “I did, but … I said it in … Continue reading A Writing Lesson (Flash Fiction) →

Unblock the Natural Flow

I read several books on writing a long time ago. They were all books from serious or popular authors, literary or genre writers, but I couldn’t learn anything from them. So after three books, I stopped reading. It was useless to go through the motions if I couldn’t connect the content with my own problems. … Continue reading Unblock the Natural Flow →

Freedom vs. Bigger Cage

“…freedom...my cage is simply getting bigger” is a quote from the book “All the Words I Kept Inside” by P. J. Gudpa. In one of the poems, she talked about seeking freedom and realizing she gets a bigger cage rather than true freedom. I think the freedom vs. bigger cage analogy can be used on … Continue reading Freedom vs. Bigger Cage →

I Should Have Said Something

I was in the 99 Ranch store last weekend. I asked to buy a grocery bag at the checkout and the cashier gave me one. A minute later, she inquired if she had given me two bags instead of one. She blamed herself for making another mistake. I assured her that she didn't. I had … Continue reading I Should Have Said Something →

Against Our Competitive Instincts

I have stopped playing Wordle now because I think it feeds the kind of narcissistic thinking that I want to get rid of. I just read a book about how to deal with emotionally immature people, which include narcissists. In it, the author, a psychologist, said that narcissists tend to like games—board games or trivial … Continue reading Against Our Competitive Instincts →

The Peacock Misconception

A friend of mine created a peacock metaphor and she has used it very often. So the word "peacock" showed up in our texting regularly. I felt that it was a little unfair to the beautiful bird. I loved one beautiful green peacock in our local zoo when I was a child. He was probably … Continue reading The Peacock Misconception →

A Steppe Romance

I am writing a long steppe story that happened in the 7th century in the area that was located between the Mongolian steppe, the Tibetan highland and the Taklamakan desert. It is one part romance, one part Kung Fu, one part history, in which I will embed a lot of arguments between the nomadic life … Continue reading A Steppe Romance →

An Old Friend & A Continuous Romance

I have always tried to steer away from reading a book of romance, which is usually too unrealistic for me. However recently I try to write a kind of Kung Fu story happened around Mongolian steppe. I should say proto-Mongolian steppe since the story is set in the 7th century when Mongolia as a country … Continue reading An Old Friend & A Continuous Romance →

Easy Or Pyrrhic?

I just learned the word pyrrhic, an adjective, meaning "won at too great a cost to have been worthwhile for the victor". It is pronounced "pirik". People always tell me that I pronounce "i" as if it is "ee", a typical non-native speaker's mistake. I have always wanted to improve my pronunciation, but I've never … Continue reading Easy Or Pyrrhic? →

Cultural Differences In A Restaurant

As you know, I like to watch videos about food although I dislike cooking, eat almost like a vegan, and often delay dish washing until it is impossible to delay anymore. I used to like cooking and shopping for food etc., but my enthusiasm has suffered a steady decline for years. Recently, food is more … Continue reading Cultural Differences In A Restaurant →

Bright Star

A young friend is facing life choices and quite disheartened that the world she has trusted for two decades is not what it looks like. I think she is on the threshold of some existential transformation. I just want to encourage her with a little practice poem I wrote. You are a bright star,shining your … Continue reading Bright Star →

Voice Beyond Voice

I was reading "Salt" by Nayyirah Waheed, and was struck by this poem: when you are strugglingin yourwritingit usually meansyouare hearing one thingbut writing another I am just wondering if I "am hearing one thing and writing another", or seeing one thing but pretending I am not seeing it, or seeing something and thinking I've … Continue reading Voice Beyond Voice →

New Year’s Resolutions

It is said that only 8% of people can keep their new year's resolutions. I definitely belong to the 92%, but my inability to do what I have determined to do has never prevented me from making new resolutions each year. Probably I am hoping to be a different person even if I know it … Continue reading New Year’s Resolutions →

Cultural Differences In Our Stories

The Location of Love Stories I watched a movie and read a book last week. It just so happened that both are about people escaping from the big cities and finding love in small towns in the Midwest or North Carolina. I can't help thinking that small town love stories can very well be its … Continue reading Cultural Differences In Our Stories →

Dusk Is Always Perfect

The dusk descends, the sky dims,the air haunts, the laptop screen illuminates, the distant street lights glow. My perfect dusk again. I only wish it is longer, but that's too much to wish for. A thousand shades and shadows play by the window sill. It's an overture to an evening of moon and stars, but … Continue reading Dusk Is Always Perfect →

Holiday Reminiscences (Continued)

My Mother During Holidays Although my mother was usually happier than usual during holidays, she never shied away from telling me and my father that she was overworked and overstretched during holidays. She cooked too much and didn't even have a minute to enjoy herself. Once I saw a dirt mark on the back of … Continue reading Holiday Reminiscences (Continued) →

Holiday Reminiscences

Have you ever found that a missing front tooth makes a kid look cuter? I was just at the store and a kid like that smiled aimlessly around, revealing the little gap in his mouth. Kids are always cute, no matter how awkwardly they walk, how impertinent they speak. An adult can never get away … Continue reading Holiday Reminiscences →

Favorite Book Of The Year (Continued)

This is the 2nd half of the post. The 1st half is here. Yesterday, I started to leaf through the pages again. I had reread many books before, some more than two or three times, some once every year. However I had never reread a book as soon as I finished it. This book was … Continue reading Favorite Book Of The Year (Continued) →

The Language Lesson (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #174 I've been watching his lessons on social media for years. He is the best teacher--he speaks clearly, slowly, simply, with very few difficult words beyond the range of English cognates. I guess that his clear voice is partly due to his high quality microphone. Of course I am not suggesting that he … Continue reading The Language Lesson (Flash Fiction) →

Favorite Book Of The Year

"Theory" by Dionne Brand is my favorite book and I just finished reading it. I feel sorry that it is not longer, it doesn't have a real plot, it talks about relationships but steering away from feelings. Despite all these, I love and admire the book so much that I am probably going to reread … Continue reading Favorite Book Of The Year →

Inspire Somebody Unexpectedly

"Has she been living in a cave somewhere, not listening to the news, too busy toeing the real or imagined line?" I ask myself this question while smiling at her sweetly, the kind of smile that mixes business acumen with personal relationship. However recently I have started to doubt my ability to reach an ideal … Continue reading Inspire Somebody Unexpectedly →

Being Thankful 2023

A holiday cleanup reveals a book under the sofa-- the worn out pages curvy and dusty, presenting a story half read, long forgotten. The movable tents called "ger", the exotic boots called "gutal", in the frozen world of northwestern Mongolia, where Tuvans, who are Mongolians, and Kazaks lived side by side. The riverbed is a … Continue reading Being Thankful 2023 →

I Just Need One More Idea

I really don't want to say this, but last night I was in a desperate search of an idea to tie several experiences and thoughts together with certain degree of coherence. I didn't think there was a real cohesion in it but an semblance of it was essential. Yes, the more one doesn't have it, … Continue reading I Just Need One More Idea →

Battle For Schools And Grades

I was trying to explain to someone about the schools in Central Jersey area and I said, "it is a little crazy, right? Aren't you surprised?" "Oh no," she said, "I was expecting something like this. I had known about the craziness of schools here before we came." It was my turn to become surprised. … Continue reading Battle For Schools And Grades →

Friday Before Thanksgiving

I am already planning what to buy tomorrow, which is the last day one can get quality groceries from mainstream American stores. After tomorrow, one has to wait until after Thanksgiving for the stores to refill its shelves to the normal level. This year will be the first year in my life that I encounter … Continue reading Friday Before Thanksgiving →

A Quote In View

I just turned on my Kindle Fire tablet, pressed the first downloaded book, flipped through the unread pages casually. And this poem jumped into my view: "...drunk so deep the cup of bitter fateAs that poor wretch who cannot, cannot love:He bears a load which nothing can remove,a killing, withering weight. He smiles--his sorrow's deadliest … Continue reading A Quote In View →

You Have To Look Like You Know What You Are Doing

Time flies when one's having fun, but actually time flies whether one's having fun or not. Suddenly, Thanksgiving is around the corner again. Somehow I feel like I just had the previous Thanksgiving a month or two ago. In a short span of one or two months, a whole year has passed by, leaving me … Continue reading You Have To Look Like You Know What You Are Doing →

My Mother’s Rice Riot (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction # 173 The shortage of rice snack right now reminds me of my mother, who had her own version of rice riot regularly at home. As you know when I was young, we were living on the southern border of Mongolian steppe, where rice was considered an exotic commodity, at least in those … Continue reading My Mother’s Rice Riot (Flash Fiction) →

The Rice Snack

I've heard about the rice problem for several weeks, but I've never acted on it or tried to stock up on rice products. One reason is that I've been busy and haven't paid attention to what is happening around me for a while. Another reason is that whenever I step into the Asian grocery stores, … Continue reading The Rice Snack →

Quote Of The Day: Poetry Or Not Poetry

I read a poetry book and then found out that there are many people online making videos about this book (together with other similar books). Basically people say that books like this one is not really poetry. We are the generation you spent years overprotecting then threw to the wolves. Food is not the enemy. … Continue reading Quote Of The Day: Poetry Or Not Poetry →

The Garden Of Flowers Or Words

There's a couple living not far from me, and they are diligent gardeners. I often see them busy in their front yard, planting, clipping, digging, weeding during the spring or summer time. However their front yard still looks as unattended and neglected as those of other immigrants, who think that mowing the lawn is the … Continue reading The Garden Of Flowers Or Words →

Romance Of The Steppe

I am trying to write a romance that is going to get rid of all the prevailing romance elements that I dislike, like the inevitable rescue scenes, rivalry, jealousy, frog to prince, love bombing etc. I want to write about two normal people who fall in love and talk their experiences and emotions in a … Continue reading Romance Of The Steppe →

Business Idea Goes Awry (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #172 Dameng has a relatively stable job at Rutgers University, but he is looking for some extra income. He is not an ambitious person and will be quite content with what he has if the inflation is not so high. Recently he has to replace the air conditioning at home, which is in … Continue reading Business Idea Goes Awry (Flash Fiction) →

From Boring To Interesting

If I hear one more complaint, like "it's boring", I will explode and blast my fragile good girl image to pieces. I am not afraid of explosions, but I am wary of the consequences since I have to clean up the mess, rehabilitate my reputation, and extinguish the fire of self doubt. I think it … Continue reading From Boring To Interesting →

If It Were The Right Door, It Would Have Been Opened (Flash Fiction)

Flash Fiction #172 "I was at the parking lot of Menlo Park Mall. And I couldn't open my car door. Suddenly my key was not working. Can you believe that? How come? It was incredulous." Lulan says. "Probably you got the wrong key. I mean you probably got your husband's car key, mistaking it for … Continue reading If It Were The Right Door, It Would Have Been Opened (Flash Fiction) →

Sunday’s Positivity

Canva Stock Image Poem Of The Day Sorry for the sink overflowing with pots and plates-- but I'm not really sorry, with no intention to clean it and put it away. Just think--how much time I've saved not to wash it, not to disrupt my brain wave, not to let the external dictate me. Annoyed … Continue reading Sunday’s Positivity →

The Problematic Hook

canva stock image It was me who suggested having a hook for the boring article. If I knew the trouble I was going to get myself into, I would never have suggested it. So I made the suggestion. She instantly picked it up. Since a hook is supposed to be an attractive bit of information … Continue reading The Problematic Hook →

Feeling Normal Again

Suddenly, last week, I came down with an upset stomach and a diarrhea for a day and a half, which resulted in my lying in bed for most of the time, except when answering phone calls. I feel that a person's voice is different when standing vertically or lying horizontally. This is why I never … Continue reading Feeling Normal Again →

Reading But Not Really Reading

I finally find a way to read without really reading. Let me explain. I am at the level of lower intermediate in Spanish, which is a very awkward stage. Often people consider this a plateau, The freshness of the language is lost by now; the boredom sets in; the lack of progress is too glaring … Continue reading Reading But Not Really Reading →

The Speculation Of The Unseen

Canva Stock Photo I talked with Arli yesterday who said she is always worried about her child, a teenager, who was going to be disadvantaged in a lot of ways in her opinion. When I asked her to elaborate on those disadvantages, she said she couldn't. She had no detail to give and no specific … Continue reading The Speculation Of The Unseen →

The Wuthering Alternatives

Inadvertently, "Wuthering Heights" is an Asian style story among books labeled as English literature. And "The Sorrows of Young Werther" is another Asian style story, but that doesn't really belong to English literature. The reason I am thinking about this book is that an Asian American girl's email reminds me of a conversation we had … Continue reading The Wuthering Alternatives →

The Purpose Of Transitions

Canva Stock Image I was asked to help with a transition here and a transition there. I don't know much about transitions, but I have so far been able to muddle through without getting complaints. The person who asked me for transitions was trying to change a writing she did a while ago and repurposed … Continue reading The Purpose Of Transitions →

A Chance Encounter (Flash Fiction Continued)

canva stock image Flash Fiction #171 This is the 2nd half of the story. The 1st half is here. When the Korean Wave came, it put an end to the wildly popular Hong Kong shows and movies as well as the Japanese productions. With beautiful backdrops and costumes, Korean dramas look more spectacular. Not only … Continue reading A Chance Encounter (Flash Fiction Continued) →

A Chance Encounter (Flash Fiction)

canva stock image Flash Fiction #171 "Why is it called martial arts? And why is it arts but not art? We say studio art and fine art without adding an 's' to the end, don't we?" Lulan says while staring at a tourist brochure which listed local attractions and festivals and competitions. Lulan and I … Continue reading A Chance Encounter (Flash Fiction) →

A Lot To Think, But Nothing To Write

canva stock image I have nothing to write today. I did something thinking today and realized that I just couldn't write three posts at once and schedule them for the next three days. I can't do it. I also can't make a schedule, block up a time period, and ask myself to write for the … Continue reading A Lot To Think, But Nothing To Write →

Quote Of The Day: Happy Contradictions

canva stock image Quote Of The Day #81 He was an expert in contradictory phrases. For example he would say: "We have no happiness chiefly because we are always looking for happiness." "he is looking for an honest man, and I am afraid he has very little time to be honest himself" "Courage is almost … Continue reading Quote Of The Day: Happy Contradictions →

Quote of The Day: Want Everything And Nothing (Part 7)

This is the 7th part of the story. The previous 6 parts are here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I just realized that I haven't finished this series, which is about two books I read on Sylvia Plath. Among the two, "Red Comet" is the most recent one and it is very long. If … Continue reading Quote of The Day: Want Everything And Nothing (Part 7) →

Cultural Differences On Beauty (Continued)

canva stock image This is the second half of the post. The first half is here. Two Different Systems Many people have two different aesthetic systems in their mind. For me and many other Asians who speak and utilize English as a second language, we have two distinct aesthetic systems, one connected with English and … Continue reading Cultural Differences On Beauty (Continued) →

Cultural Differences On Beauty

canva stock image A food-and-travel video blogger on YouTube, whom I watch regularly, is putting up a video about his wife going for cosmetic surgery in Thailand. As you know, Thailand and South Korea are the places to go to become more "beautiful" for people living in the vicinity. I really feel…. Well, judging from … Continue reading Cultural Differences On Beauty →

Change The Habit

Make It Three Instead Of One I was trying to change my habit from writing one post at a time to writing three posts at a time in the past three weeks. And guess what? I felt so uncomfortable with the change that I was completely blocked for a whole week. However I was determined … Continue reading Change The Habit →

Reflection On A Bad Drama

This drama is so bad that I had to give up watching after several episodes. It is an imitation K Drama. The outfit, the architecture, the cookware, the food are all fashioned after a long gone Korean dynasty. The hero is androgynous, handsome, and strangely sadistic, while the heroine is a cutie who is determined … Continue reading Reflection On A Bad Drama →

The Long Awaited Rain

canva stock image Last week's heatwave was finally gone. For a while, one almost felt everything was heated up and radiating intense warmth. Just looking at those trees outside, one could feel the high temperature sucking liquid from them, making the leaves dusty green as if half dead. There was a general expectation for rain, … Continue reading The Long Awaited Rain →