I was in the 99 Ranch store last weekend. I asked to buy a grocery bag at the checkout and the cashier gave me one. A minute later, she inquired if she had given me two bags instead of one. She blamed herself for making another mistake. I assured her that she didn’t. I had known her for a while by sight, but I had never talked with her. She looked a little nervous, a little serious, unlike her two colleagues who are more relaxed and always ready to say something whenever there was an opening.
Later I wondered why she was so hard on herself. It’s just a 15-cent bag in a very boring job. Her serious and nervous attitude was more than what was called for. Or probably she was so used to self censure that she did it without even thinking about it. Probably being an immigrant, she had formed the habit of disciplining herself to the extreme, or trying to squeeze herself into an unsuitable hole, or making an impossible life goal of never making any mistakes.
I couldn’t help remembering my chat with my friend L, who used to live here in Edison, but moved 200 miles away after Hurricane Sandy. Several online chats ago, L talked about her skin’s allergic reaction to a popular Japanese cosmetics. “A lot of people have such allergies. It is not just me. I heard at least three other people talking about this. I even read it online somewhere.” I was just listening to her, without giving a comment since I don’t have such an allergy. Later I wondered why she was so eager to prove to me she was not the only one and she was in a group. What if she was the only one in the world to have such an allergy. Does it matter?
Such a big anxiety to fit in, to never make mistakes, to be in a group. Probably everybody is somewhat anxious, but Asian immigrants are definitely more anxious than others, and women are more anxious than men for sure. I feel like I want to scream to make them happy and relaxed. However, probably my scream will make them more anxious.
I wonder why this bothers me and frustrates me. I think probably it is because I am frustrated with myself that I haven’t been able to help, instead I have been dragged into the whirlwind of agitation. I could have said something to the cashier to lighten her mood; I could have said something to my friend L to make her feel better. However I didn’t. I am not good at coming up with something quick in a conversation. This is probably why I prefer writing. Still, I think I could have done something. But what?
I just remember that I had a colleague G many years ago. She was so afraid of making mistakes when she spoke (or write in) English that she apologized almost every time she opened her mouth. It really bothered me when she did that, but I didn’t say or do anything. Now I think I should have done something. I should have said to her that it was not her fault, no apology necessary. If anything, we should praise our endurance.
Haoyan Do 
I think this also has to do with the idea that it is better to do nothing than to make a mistake. It’s a sad thing, really.
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Two things came to my mind on reading this. One, the fact that you now feel that you could have said something to alleviate their anxiety but kept quiet, is in itself a kindness and compassionate feeling and in the future, this realisation will probably make you more pro active. Two…..you’re blaming yourself for not reaching out and that’s also like the check out girl blaming herself. We all learn everyday and it’s your sensitivity that makes you more aware of the other persons pain. Kindness is also an energy that can be expressed without being spoken and a supportive presence is equally precious. A good listener is hard to find now. So don’t worry, you’re doing fine! 😊🌺
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Thank you. Yes, I feel that as women we really need to comfort each other. There is no other way. We are the only ones who can understand each other and provide emotional support. I was really bad at it, but I really need to take the initiative to offer help whenever help is needed.
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True. Agree with you completely.
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I usually try to make a self deprecating joke to break tension and let people know that I am in the “group” with them.
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Haha, I imagine you will do that. I tried to learn to do that, but I was so unbelievably bad at it that I gave up.
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After Brexit, some EU citizens in the UK were quite anxious. Although I hated Brexit it was still difficult for me to understand why they should be so anxious. It’s incredibly difficult to put yourself in the shoes of an immigrant. If you were born and brought up in a country you feel confident that nothing too bad can happen to you even if the Government is terrible.
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Yes, immigrants try to be as free of mistakes as possible, but it is a futile task, only adding anxiety and frustration. Nobody can be free of mistakes. Also English is so full of pitfalls that a non-native speak will trip on it one way or another, no matter how careful. Immigrants are more anxious to bring up perfect children who can fit in, but I am sorry to say this goal is really absurd…
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It’s really hard to speak multiple languages so it’s awesome when people try their best. Even if it’s not perfect.
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That’s exactly what I would say. Why do language have to be perfect, given the fact that English is very whimsical in terms of pronunciation, spelling, plural etc. Why do we insist on grammar perfections when we can be more happily involved in communicating what we really want to say?
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Yeah, I think as long as you can get your point across perfection in the language is quite unnecessary. Especially because a lot of people that have English as their first language also make a lot of grammatical errors.
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So true. What’s the point of speaking flawless language? We all make mistakes. As long as we can communicate, it is fine. Language is always non-precise no matter how much care we give to grammar and spelling. LOL.
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