Stories I Want To Tell But…

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I really want to write about my growing up stories at the southern border of Mongolian Steppe, and I have attempted several times, but only to “tear them up” afterwards. Of course I didn’t really tear up anything since there was no paper involved. Rather I just tucked them away into the pile of digital drafts, which I hope I would never go back to dig them up. The reason I had to “tear them up” is that they just sound very mundane, very non-story like, very boring. If I am the reader reading it, I wouldn’t like to continue. That’s how bad these things are.

Actually I have a beautiful cousin who said the most narcissistic lines that her mother taught her to say, which were also approved by my other narcissistic relatives. I mean the whole situation was so comical. I mean my whole narcissistic family dreamed that she would be a great actress someday despite the fact that the family’s traditional values are very much against a girl becoming an actress. I tried to present this story several days ago, but it didn’t come out as I expected. There’s nothing tragicomical in the story. None of the ridiculousness that I felt as a teenager came out in my storytelling. I was actually a little shocked that story is quite devoid of irony, even though I felt and still feel the irony very strongly in my mind.

My parents’ bitter fights present the same problem. I just can’t bring out the sense of sad comedy that’s intrinsic in their relationship. They fought so hard and so acrimoniously against each other, but still they thought they had the best family and they deserved everybody’s admiration. The two of them were rather average looking, but they considered themselves the most handsome in the community and they thought they were the authority on beauty. They presented so much psychological material for me, but I can’t write a good story about them. I just don’t have the wherewithal to do it–I’ve never used the word wherewithal before, and this is the first time. Whenever I write their story, it doesn’t come out right. It’s often too sad, which I’ve never intended it to be so. OK, supposed it is a sad story, but it should be a comically sad story, but it doesn’t come out as it is supposed to come out. It just doesn’t have the verve or the gusto, with which my parents tortured each other. There was a devilish delight in their conflicts and a relish in their hatred of each other, which just refuse to come out in my story. I don’t know why, but this is really driving me a little mad.

Today, when I was driving home, passing the haunted bridge between Edison and New Brunswick, I suddenly had an epiphany (another word I’ve never used before) that I should practice my writing more and stop lamenting on my lack of skills. I can read more, write short passages to emulate what I read, and investigate what is baffling me–why can’t my writing brings out what I want it to bring out? I mean I just do what I can while trying not to get frustrated with the lack of result. Don’t know if I can achieve that though.

Or probably my parents’ ghosts (since they both died) are trying to prevent me from writing about them. That’s a possibility too.

20 thoughts on “Stories I Want To Tell But…

  1. Just keep writing. Some pieces are mere rough drafts for something better later. Do not destroy writings. Some of them you like now, you won’t like later. But so too, some writings you hate now will actually seem better later!

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    1. Thank you for the encouragement. Yes, sometimes when one doesn’t see the desired result, one gets a little disheartened. I think it is due to my narcissistic upbringing in a narcissistic family, which always tried to set up an illusion kind of goal to make everybody miserable. Yes, you are right, keep writing to see if something will come out of it…

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  2. You definitely did have an epiphany. Break it down and write in intervals. And read as much as you can. Your thoughts and words will form a pattern as you go along. It’s never easy, so don’t give up. The emotions will filter out. Keep writing, Haoyan. 🙂

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  3. I read your first paragraph and this very important saying came to mind, one that helped me so much with my own writing path: “Don’t disqualify yourself before others do.”

    Write your story first, share it first, and only then determine if it was good or not (I myself have stopped caring and just write whatever comes to mind, lol). Sometimes, the stories that get the most attention will be the ones you least expect. So keep on keeping on!

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    1. Thank you for stopping by and commenting. So true. Often what works or what doesn’t work is not obvious. You only know that from hindsight, which is not much of a help. One just have to try…

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    1. Haha, I will make sure I buy a lemon next time. I’ve never bought lemon or lime before. I guess the sourness of a lemon is quite scary. Well, what comes out is different from what is in my mind. LOL. I guess it is supposed to be this way…

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        1. Haha, I wouldn’t be able to bear that kind of sourness. LOL. I mean I can’t even drink orange juice since it’s a little too tangy for me. Wow, everybody has a different body…

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        2. Haha, brown love sourness. I love the phrase. I am the brown one among my relatives and I think my brownness is connected with my being more insightful than my relatives. LOL. Probably it is an overstatement but I like to make it.

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    1. Well, I am thinking of doing something that I don’t have the skill to do. I mean probably this is due to my upbringing in a narcissistic family, which always set up unrealistic goals and manage to make itself miserable.

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