Image by Remember I have been talking about a friend who refuses to listen or discuss about narcissism? Remember I said that I talked about my own narcissistic parents, and she tried to defend them as normal parental weaknesses or misunderstandings? Remember this friend? Let’s just say her name is Aya–a fictitious name but the event is as real as my typing hands.
So yesterday we talked and it was just like those women’s chat that can go on forever and ever. And one thing leads to another. She inevitably talks a little about her mother-in-law. And I said her mother-in-law sounds like a narcissistic parent. And I waited for her to contradict me as she had been doing for a while. Or she just steered the conversation away. Or she would just say, “Why analyzing people around us? Nothing good will come out of it.” Or something like that.
However to my surprise, she suddenly had a 180 degree change of attitude. It was unbelievable. She acknowledged that it might be true. Then she related many of her mother-in-law’s behaviors: she pitches her kids against each other; she selected one golden child and ignored the other; when luck and fortune fell unevenly on her kids, she would switch her selection of golden child; she has to be the star of every conversation no matter what, and her husband is so quiet that he might as well not to be there at all; she has negative comments about all her children’s friends etc; she tries to control her children’s life etc. The list goes on and on.
We actually started to compare her behavior with my mother–an extreme case of narcissism–and needless to say they are very much alike.
“My goodness, you are so knowledgeable on this.” She said in the end. And then she surprised me even more with a finale, “I am going to call her to tell her that she’s wrong. Also I am going to tell my husband.”
“NO…………” I screamed. “Absolutely not. Don’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because the narcissist will never change. You are just opening a can of worms. You won’t be able to handle the aftermath. It might blow up. And things might happen. I mean the narcissist can go berserk.” I said.
When we finished our conversation, I asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t start a family war with this narcissism concept. However last night, I had the dread that I might have done something I didn’t intend to. I mean knowledge is dangerous and ignorance is a bliss. I mean at least sometimes. Or probably in this occasion. Why not just let it be?
Am I the kind of person who will complain when people don’t listen to me, and who will complain even more when people do listen to me?
Haoyan Do 
Great insight (because of your personal experiences) Into Narcissism.
Correct. These kind of people can’t/won’t change and confronting them will open us up to their savagery, and we possibly will be left with The questioning of our own realities once they are (finally, if ever) finished with us.
At the very least, confronting narcissists is a waste of our time and breath, frustrating our futile attempts and even causing anger toward ourselves for even holding out such wasted hope and perseverance.
Great post!
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I mean I know this girl for years and she’s a nice and modest girl, full of common sense. However her marriage has so far left her depleted, damaged, and confused. It is a classical example of “you married a narcissist”. It is soooooo bad. If I was not born into a narcissist family, if I was not aware of this problem, I wouldn’t know how to interpret this. It is so essential that everybody should be aware of narcissists and understand the manipulator in their life who makes them miserable. I mean in the Asian community here, there’s no awareness whatsoever. And people just suffer in silence if they happened to get involved with a narcissist. No sympathy for the victim and no voice for the voiceless.
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I grew up in much the same household. The memories are bleak, at best. This kind of upbringing can not be erased with time. But it can be livable when a healthier existence takes over our lives. I have not found this healthier existence in people… only in God. But, it takes dedication and desire to continue in the faith. But it’s more than worth it as the reward are overflowing. The permeating evil of narcissism can destroy entire communities, let alone individual lives. The confusion, emptiness, and inner exhaustion are often symptoms of a nearby narcissist.
I imagine in Asia, it is difficult to get others to accept the intrusion of narcisssims. It is even hard here where everyone knows it exists. People are quite aware of it as general knowledge. But if someone brings it up as a “personal experience”, it is frowned upon and looks like we are the delusional or crazy ones.
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Yes, narcissism is a problem if one is unlucky enough to have bonded with one. One narcissist can destroy a whole family and at least three generations. It is frightening just to think about it.
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Well, you tried to influence her to not bring it up but in the end it’s her (shortsighted) decision.
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I know. i can imagine things might get explosive if she does tell…
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Unfortunately, you’re right. Narcissists never change and there’s no point in arguing with them. They are not rational or reasonable. It’s best to keep your distance and ignore them.
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They are very poisonous to human relationships and can turn a family into a mad house, a group into a mob, a friendship into a nightmare. That’s what they are. The narcissists are very damaging to our life.
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Yeah they rip your life apart but they love it because they enjoy the chaos and the only one that suffers is you.
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Yes, be very careful of narcissist since they are the masterful manipulators and can wrack other people’s life… Many people don’t ever crawl out of the narcissistic relationship because of the trauma bond. I mean emotional trauma bond. It is awful.
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Yeah they make sure the victim relies on them to a point where they lose their independence so they have no way out.
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Narcissists are really the worst people in one’s own circle. Sometimes they are not easy to spot since they are just like normal people, but they have a disconnect with reality, a sense of superiority, and a desire to manipulate. It is just so bad. And the worst thing is many normal people are not aware of it.
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Narcissists are such great manipulators that you don’t even realise that you are being manipulated until you’re in too deep. And they may even turn everyone against you so you feel like they’re all you have.
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So true. So true. So everybody should be careful. One can’t avoid it if one is born into a narcissist family, but if that’s not the case, very likely one is going to encounter narcissists once or twice in one’s life, if not more. I mean try to spot them and avoid them, especially in romantic relationship. They cannot love and will leave their partner damaged, sometimes for life.
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Absolutely, they are the worst person to have a relationship with. They will completely ruin your life and still find a way to victimize themselves.
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This is a problem that many of us face. Giving advice and not being sure whether it’ll help the other person or do more damage. I think that if one’s intentions are pure, then one should just say it and let go. The universe will take over and do the rest. 🙂
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Yes, often the Buddhist way is recommendable–let the university take over and do the thing it does. I’ve witnessed the terrible unhappiness a narcissist can do to people around him or her. One has to leave it alone if one wants to keep one’s sanity.
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Yours is a great ending question! Sometimes we end up doing just what we do not like to see in others, and it can be hard to be aware enough to avoid falling into that trap . . .
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Yes, be very careful what we do since it can blow up. I mean emotions can be explosive, especially in a family that habitually denies emotional existence.
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There’s a kind of Catch 22 I imagine with narcissists. Maybe (?) therapy could change them but, being narcissists, they are never going to admit they need therapy.
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So true, Blackthorn. I totally agree. It is like the mad people who would never admit they are mad.
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Yes, I wonder if a therapy can really help them to give up their evil ways, but somehow I doubt it.
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I think for anyone interested in the human condition the way you are, will always question one’s thoughts and the things they have said. You try to understand the world around you – that’s to be admired. I once worked for a narcissist of the purest kind. So much so, I classified them as evil. “Public executions” in the workplace were quite common.
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Haha, thank you. I am trying. I can just imagine how hard it is to work for a narcissist. I mean he or she may look like a normal person on the outside and to people who don’t know him or her very well, but to people who deal with him or her daily, the narcissist is a devil.
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