I feel that every day I am wallowing in writing mistakes and can’t crawl out of it. Is this another trap? This feeling is punctuated by the thoughts that I am criticizing myself too much. The problem is that my brain seems to have a mind of its own. It doesn’t really follow my instructions. It tends to think about mundane thoughts rather than the special things I want it to focus on. It also tends to have fantasies and aspirations of its own, not listening to the goal I want it to have. Probably I am trying too hard to control my brain. I should let it go and let it loose. However as soon as I do that, it goes off rail; it rants; it mixes function with malfunction with other messy stuff. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. There must be a balance somewhere, but I don’t know where the balance lies.
Imagined Results Are Not There
Have you every felt that you have already imagined the results before you do things? So I imagine that I should be writing this and that, and when people read it, people will feel this way or that way, or at least somewhat this way or that way. However when the words are all laid out, I realize that the effects are not there at all. It is all so mild, tepid, inept.
No Tension Between Characters
Probably it is because the storyline itself is not dramatic. If the story has ups and downs, it will steer the attention away from my indifferent narration. However I am not indifferent when I am writing it. I am very concerned and concentrated and caring when I am writing it, but why does it sound so indifferent when it comes out. So I reflect on all those dramatic plots I’ve read before, and I realize that I am quite ambivalent about dramatic plots—they just don’t sound real to me. A real life is never so dramatic. I like it only to a certain degree.
I think there is a reason why there is no tension between my characters: it is because I am leaning towards an avoidance personality. I am afraid of confrontations and tensions in real life even if sometimes confrontations and tensions are unavoidable. And this reflects on my writing. It is arguably the right strategy in real life, but it is really bad for a story. In a story, confrontations are almost essential.
I think I am more brave than I give myself credit for. I can confront and I can enjoy tension. At least I hope so. My parents fought a perpetual “war” against each other. So I should be very familiar with tension growing up. Probably I am trying to steer away from such a familiarity?
Linear Thinking, Not Following Impulses
My thinking is too linear and I can’t break this linear pattern. Linear thinking can back people into a corner. Sometimes one can feel that one is bumping one’s head against a wall. Probably that is the result of linear thinking. The better way should be following one’s impulses and jumping from the beginning, to the middle, to the end, to all over the places, following whatever thoughts and weird contexts that appeal to the brain. The sequence doesn’t matter; the disorder is the order of the mind.
How To Flesh Out
I always think that I should flesh out my story in my own way, not with unnecessary details, not with the techniques I have observed in the stories I read, not with alliteration or permutation of certain words. This means I want to add my own thoughts, probably a little philosophical but not too philosophical, to flesh up the skeleton of my story. Often I am a little terrified of my own negative or dark or radical thoughts. Should I be terrified by it or should I unleash it? So many different decisions to make to write a little piece.
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Haoyan Do 
I think many writers struggle with every single problem you’ve mentioned. The good thing is, you’re aware of these problems and can therefore work to fix them.
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I recognise most of these problems though I do not often try to write narratives. Recently I have been experimenting with various ways of just getting stuff roughly down on “paper”quickly – eg dictate it into my phone – because I feel that anything I write only becomes good at the final stage – after many edits.
I’m currently reading a biography of Virginia Woolf. I suspect she has some useful lessons to teach us on the problems you describe.
In real life I cannot tolerate even a small amount of conflict – and it was pretty much taboo in our family when I was growing up. I think I could only write a story where it was all internal. I think you grow out of some of the external conflict stuff as you get older anyway.
I am blocked at the moment because my mental state is not good so anything I write will reflect that state. We tend to think there is some great truth in these negative feelings but maybe – as Bertrand Russell says – we should live by what we feel when we are strong and optimistic. I don’t know.
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Below is a quote I have posted above my computer screen to remind me to focus on putting more tension in my stories. It is from the book Story Fix by Larry Brooks.
“To wit: Dramatic tension arises from a compelling dramatic question, connecting to a hero who must do something in pursuit of a worthy goal, with something blocking the straight line toward the goal, and with something at stake. That’s it in the proverbial nutshell. You should memorize it, make it a mantra, because this is the whole ballgame in one sentence.”
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