Cultural Differences On Friendships

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I was helping somebody brainstorm, during which we talked about friendship and sisterhood etc. And then I couldn’t help thinking about friends I had when I was young, living close to the border of Mongolian Steppe. For a moment, I wished I would stay there forever despite the wind swept winter bleakness and the hopeless economic staleness. I would give up my chance of seeing the world, knowing things, meeting new people, reading more than I had ever imagined. I would live there, just to be close to my two best friends– L and W. I can still remember when I was with them, I was relaxed and chatty. We were so happy and we bonded so naturally. I only regret that I was not as communicative as I should be. I should have complained to them about my narcissistic parents, I should have more meaningful conversations with them rather than the meaningless chats we had.

When I left as a 13-year-old, I didn’t know at the time that I would never have the same friends again. As a provincial girl coming from an area that people looked down upon, I have always had the inferiority complex living in the outside world. I have tried to hide my own “unfashionable” self to please the people I meet, only to realize that this act of hiding makes me feel alienated. It is all in my head and it is my fear that is the perpetrator.

Anyway, I want to write more about friendships. And it starts with the cultural differences:

Different Boundaries

Friendships have different boundaries in different cultures. In the place where I grew up, friends would go into each other’s kitchens and start to cook whenever there was a party or an event. People didn’t even ask for permissions first. Also friends could insist on knowing what you ate for breakfast and lunch of the day. If a couple had marital issues, their friends would insist on helping them fix problems. The insistence of fixing other people’s domestic problems was as strong as the insistence that mental health issues didn’t exist.

Extended Family Members

Since all my relatives are narcissistic. There is almost no real friendship among my relatives. However I know that in the place where I grew up a lot of people have very strong bond with at least one or two of their extended family members. It was quite prevalent that a wife would complain about her husband’s strong bond with his own extended family members but not with her. Also a couple could leave their child with their extended family members and went away for several years for business or other purposes. This was not a particular hardship for the father, but it was a hardship for the mother, who couldn’t connect with the child easily when they reunited later on.

How To Say “No”

In some cultures, a direct “no” is not an acceptable term to say to friends no matter what. However there are many indirect ways of saying “no”. For example, instead of saying “I can’t do it”, one can recommend other friends as problem solvers, or one can recommend other solutions to the problem.

Ancient Bromance

I think bromance or homosexuality are well accepted in ancient time in most Asian countries, not just Thailand. Ancient writers wrote about this as nothing special. And there were books dedicated to the record of bromance between kings and their male favorites. Also it was common for people of the same gender to share bed together, or write love poems to each other, or bond in whatever way people feel enjoyable. Then the missionaries came, and told people that they were committing sins and they should be ashamed of themselves. And the tide has changed ever since.

Friendships Among Immigrants

As you know, friendships among immigrants are difficult. As you know, immigrants live in their own ethnic enclaves of limited number of people. Friendships, just like other relationships, are not easy since there are not enough people to choose from to make friends with. Also most Asian immigrants are either the engineering (or scientist) type or the business type. No other type exists. In this aspect, there is no diversity. Because of this, the conversations in a party can be skewed to a certain direction.