I can’t believe I am so devious. I am definitely not. Well, I never consciously want to be devious, but probably my subconscious sabotages me in ways that I am not aware of.
Anyway, all these thoughts come from the fact that I encountered an attachment test. Usually I don’t take such tests since I am always wary of tests or competitions or games, which force me to become a bad version of myself. My mind would suddenly switch to a new mode and I can sense my muscle tightened and my nerve strained. It is an overreaction. It doesn’t matter whether the test or the game is significant or not. Even if it is just for fun, my anxiety still increases.
For some strange reason, I did take the attachment test and was surprised to find that I was categorized as a fearful avoidant attachment style, which has an inconsistent and disorganized behavior pattern. I thought the test was not accurate since I had always thought that I was a dismissive avoidant attachment type. My parents were such a type. I don’t know how I know but I just know it. If they belonged to such a type, so should I since I mimicked them despite the fact I disliked them.
Anyway, the fearful avoidant type is quite devious. It is said such people would want to connect with others, but would pretend that they don’t want to connect with others. Among all the attachment types, this type of people are the most likely to be chaotic and inconsistent, which makes it hard to analyze and which makes it even more difficult for them to connect with others.
However, I am not a chaotic person at all. If anything, I am a very consistent and relatively organized person. I don’t see how I can be a fearful avoidant type. Well, I probably have to dig up some old relics hidden in the obscure corners of my memory. Something that happened long ago…
I gave up on my parents from an early age and never even attempted to connect with them. I think I gave them up when I was in fourth grade, about ten or eleven years old. The reason I know this is because in fourth grade, my mother was very annoyed with me because she was regularly embarrassed by my behavior. I never told my mother anything, not even when something of importance happened in school. When other mothers talked about school events or what happened to their kids, my mother demonstrated her ignorance. I made her lose face and sabotaged her art of pretending to be a perfect mother.
My parents were hopelessly embroiled in their fights and I had never thought about gaining their attention. With other people, it was a different story. I did show disorganized ways in wanting to gain other people’s friendship while pretending I don’t care. However a lot of people do the same thing, isn’t it? Probably they do it to a lesser degree than I do, or in a less disorganized or inconsistent way. This really shows that I don’t even know myself.
Haoyan Do 