Education In A Form Of Madness (Part 5)

Health, Reflections 3 Minutes

This is the 5th part of the post. The previous parts are here: 1, 2, 3,4.

Family Life

I’ve known several families, which have the good luck of sending their kids to top colleges. They all live in this area. I have to say the aspiration of getting their kids into better colleges takes a toll on the family. Although they all put up a good front and try to be as normal as possible, there are a lot of hidden stresses and strains if one looks closely. I have to say every family undergoes stresses from time to time, and stresses are not limited to the families with an ambitious college goal. Still, such a wish adds a significant burden.

First of all, it incurs a heavy financial cost. Those children have to attend after-school training programs on science, arts, sports, which all cost money. There are several sports that Asian parents are flocking to, like figure skating, golf, table tennis. I don’t understand why one has to excel in sports in order to get into a dream college, but that is what is happening right now. I don’t understand why there are only several sports these parents are chasing after. I mean there are so many other sports, but I guess probably Asians are not welcome in those sports or some other reasons. One will have a leg up during the college application when one is playing a sport to a certain level. And I hear all kinds of complaints about the cost of sports–it seems to be astronomical for a middle class family. The special kind of shoes for a particular sports can easily go up to several hundred dollars, if not one or two thousands, per year. On top of that, the coach fees, the travel fees for away games, the hotel feels for tournaments and all those other expenses.

Secondly, it falls on the parents to do a lot of extra work, like driving their kids to different trainings and activities, accompany them to various games or competitions, look for better opportunities such as better coaches or tutors, do troubleshoot when problems arise. And most of these extra work falls on the shoulder of the mother, who takes on the challenge in addition to the usual child rearing duties. I’ve known at least five mothers, who in order to send their children to top colleges had to quit their jobs and stayed at home full time to help their child(ren).

Thirdly, it takes a toll on the family whenever mental health is concerned. If the kid, after going through all the troubles, cannot get in Harvard or any other Ivy League colleges, the family is devastated and depressed. Even if the kid can get in a top college, the strain on the family is almost unbearable. I know one family that went through this. The mother always looked stressed out whenever we met. The kid disliked his helicopter parents, who hovered on everything he did; the father was often angry since his spouse was too bossy; the mother constantly worried that something would go wrong and could not relax for a minute. Let’s just say her name is M. I know M for years. She was a normal person when I first knew her, and then she became a little mad when she was chasing her aspiration of getting her kid into an Ivy School. I couldn’t even talk with her since she became so obsessed with her kid, oblivious to everything else. She would be upset if other people didn’t praise her kid to her liking. And she just got worse and worse. I felt that she got herself into a group of parents who had the same ambition as she was–and this was a very bad narcissistic crowd to associate herself with. She was a nice, sane person before she got in the group, and soon she picked up all the narcissistic traits other group members possessed. It was almost like a competition for the Biggest Narcissist Award.

And finally I would like to talk about the fact that some parents are trying to use their children’s achievement to do spiritual bypassing, which I will write in the next post.

(To Be Continued)

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Image by Harish Sharma from Pixabay

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Published by haoyando

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15 thoughts on “Education In A Form Of Madness (Part 5)”

  1. Yup, experienced that. About the whole sports thing, being good at sports and participating in a school athletics team does help the student get into an Ivy league school. College admissions prefer a well-rounded student over just an academic one, so if choosing a star athlete who has perfect grades over someone who just has perfect grades, the star athlete gets in.

    The unfortunate part is that many tiger parents forget that state schools are just as good as Ivy league schools in many instances.

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        1. I think this is what people are talking about all over the world right now. Why young people are choosing to lie down, take it easy, and not working hard? LOL. I mean why should women work so hard for a system that doesn’t really work for them?

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        3. Oh, you should see the women around me who work so hard for their family, but their husbands don’t even share any power at all with them; who are so bitter and try so hard to hide their bitterness. One woman is so thankful that her husband hasn’t left her–can you believe living in the fear of one’s husband leaving one every day of one’s life for two decades? She is so psychologically damaged that she passes her insecurity and fear onto her son, who grows up to be so .. My goodness, I can’t even continue. I am so glad that the younger generations of women can have a different life and have a chance to be a normal human being.

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        4. I’ve witnessed that too. Although many women I know work really hard for their family and kids, their husband has control over the finances and therefore controls their lives. It’s so sad. A lot of these women are terrified of divorce or of being alone because they believe it’s harder than being in a miserable marriage.

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        5. I’ve witnessed several nice guys who let their wives do the budgeting and who spend (more than ordinary amount of ) money on their daughters’ education, but these are the guys who are being laughed at behind their back by other men who think they are not living a life as a man should be living. The immigrant community is extremely conservative and with right-wing views on family, much worse than the extended family based structure back in Asia, where women’s relatives and the social network and customs serve as cushions against extreme views.

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